When I wrote about my Baby Battle back in early September, the outpouring was utterly overwhelming. I felt instantly healed by the number of people who shared support and encouragement and I want to thank everyone who reached out; you have no idea what a positive impact you made. Unfortunately I suffered an upsetting setback this week and while I didn't plan to share it here, publicly, I remembered everything that was said to me in September about how comforting it felt to bring this subject to light, and I started to feel an emotional obligation to hold to that.
I just wrapped up IVF #2, which unsuccessful results. It was a bumpy IVF, but I had a solid chance in the end. I even got a sonogram with 2 tiny white dots from my embryo transfer. DOT BABIES! But after the dreaded 2 week wait, in which I pretended to already be pregnant so that Matt would buy me chocolate and I wouldn't have to clean the litter box, I got confirmation Monday evening that my positive pregnancy results were a chemical pregnancy. My little cells implanted enough to produce the hormone, but they didn't stick, and I would miscarry by the end of the week. I met with the doctor immediately to come up with a plan for IVF #3, and she spent the first 15 minutes walking to all of the candy bowls in the office to find me some pink Starbursts. So, every cloud...
I was devastated. I FELT pregnant. I was sure it had worked. I was going to get to celebrate pregnancy through the holidays! My doctor was so supportive while we waited for my 2nd test to show if my pregnancy was going to stick, and I SO appreciate her, but I still felt like the happiness rug was yanked right out from under me. Matt and I were both sure it had worked this time. We were trying so hard to find the light, to stay positive, to rally ourselves for the next attempt. The few friends and family I shared with were AMAZING and loving and encouraging, and I was trying climb.
And then Tuesday night's election happened.
Like many of my friends and co-workers here in Los Angeles, and half of you out there in this beautiful country, I have felt confused, scared, appalled, nervous, angry, upset...and lost. I feel like Trump's victory has cast a frightening shadow that I don't yet fully understand or comprehend. In the aftermath, I've been grief-stricken at some of the violent words and acts already committed, and have felt embarrassingly naive for believing we weren't as angry and hateful a people as Trump banked on.
As the week moved along, I began to feel like the sadness from my miscarriage and Trump's victory were strangely becoming intertwined in my mind, and I didn't understand why it felt like they were coming from the same place in my heart. This morning I realized it's because both are challenging me to find hope when I feel like there is none. I am striving to find hope that Trump will answer the needs of this country above his own, even though I'm terrified of his intentions. I am striving to find hope that I will hold my baby in my arms one day, even though my 8 unsuccessful procedures leave me terrified that I will only ever receive bad news. But I have to hope, because I won't be able to move forward otherwise.
<This is where I delete a novel-length tangent where I attempt to hope that no matter who we voted for, we are all in this together and are all hoping for the same thing, which is to prosper in this great nation that we love and to continue to the freedoms and privileges it allows us but keep failing because I'm afraid it might not be true, but that is the point of this blog post, that we have to hope even though we are afraid. Could use some of that Cohen wordsmithery right here>
Also, it's a fuck of a week when you are relating your miscarriage to the election of Donald Trump to the Presidency, am I wrong?!
Also, a huge THANK YOU to our Veterans, to whom we owe an immeasurable amount of gratitude and respect for continuing to fight for this beautiful country and the freedoms we hold so dear. We owe you more than we all realize.
Also, RIP Leonard Cohen.
For my fellow fertility warriors:
IVF #2 - Stim w/GonalF (300 ml) and Menopur (2 powder/1 liquid) & Cetrotide, HCG trigger - 11 eggs retrieved, 4 mature, 2 fertilized with ICSI, PGS cancelled. Day 3 fresh transfer, MC 4w4d.
Changes made for IVF #3: Stim same, add Lupron to HCG trigger, drop ICSI, PGS (hopefully), then frozen transfer
